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December 25th, 2004

04:21 pm: St Augestine sucks. obviously because this is the first tim ive written i this in a while. But i guess I have a wholelot on my mind.
Im just trying to make it through all of this while protecting myself and my emotions. I dont know if ive ever gone through this much emotional pain. Things will feel so good and then an instant later they will feel so horrible. It isnt right to let Craig run my emotions and that is what im trying to not let happen. He is just really fucked up in the head. He loves huring people,especially me..the person who he claimed is the only person that matters in his life. He is going nowhere in his life. He is a liar, a user, fake, and a fucking ass hole. Now that ive goten all of that off my chest..

This past month has been a lot more fun thAN i wouldhave thought it to be. There are plenty of male prospects. I thought i kinda liked jack(work) but i definitely dont. i told him a few days ago thaT we are just friends and to stop telling people that he is my boyfriend. He is still calling me way too much. Sky..lol.sky is straight. Sky was a good time. Id have a good time wih sky again. Ive been hanging out with eddie and dan a lot and they are mad straight. eddie called me today to wish me a merry christmas. it sucks that theyre in pennsylvania. Mike D will be home monday. everyone is pretty excited about that. My friend Kevin is throwing a New Years Party which will be a good time but i wanna eat some beans on new years. or whenever.
Chilling in St Augestine sucks except for the fact that me and my bro have an ass load of the craziest chronic ive smoked in months.
I got in to FSU and USF!! Im going somewhere in my life and that is awesome. Me and Sara will soon b moving to Vanouver and starting our practices there. fucking with people's heads and shit, smoking herb on lunch breaks. It is going to be really hard to get through the rest of the school year bcause im just so sick of this shit. I want to be on my own an go to school and party my ass off and meet new people. I just wish i could go now.
I thought of giving Craig a cALL to wish him a merry christmas but i think that i a bad ideaa. He doesnt know how to express his true emotions therefore it will come out as anger and assholeness like everytime we talk. And honestly i dont even want to speak to him because he brings nothing good to this world.
Ima go smoke a cig and call Sara.

Back to work on monday..s ima have to stop avoiding jack.

omg m so horny..i think this is the longest ive gone without sex in 2 years.wow.

Current Mood: coldcold

November 3rd, 2004

05:05 pm: I got a job..im so happy because im totally broke and I owe so much insurance. Im a hostess at Stadium Grill which will from what I here be a good time.
Homecoming was last weekend. I had a pretty good time for the 45 minutes that we stayed. Unfortionately the music sucked dick and all my friends wanted to go. So we went to the beach and smoked a blunt and then went to Bobby and Seb's party in Abacoa. We chilled there for a little while and had a few beers and then everyone came back snd stayed at my house in Stuart. We picked up 4 12 packs and chilled in the hot tub and had a good time.
The night before that me,Sara,Chris,and my bro went to Ana's party. the were so many fucking people there and it was craziness. And then shit started gfetting broken and she kicked everyone out.
Craig's mom leaves for Italy tomorrow! That is just gonna be so straight.

Bush won. not too much im gonna say about that except that its disgusting that wee live in a country that supports a man who has murdered thoussnds of innocent lives and lied to the entire couintry. I truely just want to do 4 years at USF and then go to graduate school in Vancouver and set up my practice there. thats my plan.
It looks like my brother and Craig are moving in together next fall. My brother is most likely going to Full Sail and Craig is already registered there. Interesting situation..not too sure how to feel about that.


Current Mood: contentcontent

September 28th, 2004

05:09 pm: I feel like a mess. My mind is so foggy, literally, that i dont even know how i feel. Im extremely emotional and I dont understand why there is such a sudden change in my overall mood.
I feel myself growing more and more dependent on Craig and that scares the shit out of me. I know that I will be leaving somewhat soon and that it will be really hard to keep a long distance relationship. I have so many decisions that I have to make and it is all very overwhelming. I know that is why I keep pushing Craig away. I love him so much and ive realized it now more than ever. Im only happy when i am with him which is unhealthy.
On top of everything I am dealing with, the suspension has just made everything 10X worse. I dont even feel like I made a bad decision and my mom is trying to get into my head and convince me that i have. I know I shouldnt be smoking but I am and it is incredibly hard to quit, something im not ready for. I now have so much more on my shoulders w/school and having to convince all my teachers to let me make up my work, which i have no faith in.
I feel like Im a different person and not necessarily in a bad way. I notice myself standing up to people a lot more and i feel like i know myself better than ever.
Ive been doing a lot of thinking about my choices in the past. Mostly my choices with Ryan. It sucks going to school everyday and never be looked in the eye by the person I loved for two years, the person I gave myself to. Its dumb and I thik the whole thing is completely fucked up.
A lot of shit is pouring down on my at once and I wish I knew how to deal with it all but i dont. The only thing I know how to do is cry. I hate crying and its the only thing i have. I dont fully feel like Craig is there for me. In many situations when i really needed him he wasnt there and I wasnt his priority. I have to just accept that for now and hope that that will somewhat change.

Current Mood: draineddrained

July 23rd, 2004

01:41 pm: Last night was crazy. DJ had a party at his house and mad sophmores and thugs showed up and me,sara,craig, sarah,and spencer were really blazed and seperated ourselves the whole time. Craig was acting strange around me all night but we talked about it and i guess shit is all good.
Ive been analyzing life, and relationships, and people. Me and sara are philosophers.
Everyone is insecure, in some way. But everyone deals with their insecurities in totally different ways. Some of us wear really skimpy oufits so that they can get noticed. Some of us try to hide our bodies in baggy clothes. Some of us dont open up to people because of their fear of being rejected. Some of us try to act like badasses because they think that a tough exterior will stop people from talking shit about them. some of us make fun of others to make people feel threatened. Everyone is different. But Iv'e realized that you just have to accept yourself the way you are, and you must accept other people, not necessarily like them, but we all have to accept eacother because we are all human and we are all equal.

also..me sara and my brother have come to the conclusion, somehow, that dogs are like machines..and people are like cars. It makes sense

July 17th, 2004

03:39 pm: shit is so boring lately. Jupiter sucks so much dick. Anyways..things have been pretty good. I went to North Carolina and craig and i had this long talk when i was up there. He took a bus up there to be with me and we spent the whole trip together tubing and relaxing in the mountains. It was a nice getaway for us..we needed a break from all the bullshit that was going on down here. Things are good with us.
I went with him to get his pictures yesterday and there were mad people there. C Brown, Spencer, Mitch and others. Last night was a bunch of bullshit. me and meli met up with zack and dave and we smoked and shit and then there was nothing to do cuz zack has crutches:( So I ended up leaving and i went home and puked and i dunno why but it sucked. i woke uo at 650 this morning to go to work which was alright.
Reggae Fest is tomorrow but unfortionately I cant go cuz i have to work and no1 will work for me. Im pissed of and im happy that tomorrow is my last day. Im gonna look for a job in Stuart since were moving in a month or so.
My parents bought a lot in North Carolina on top of a mountain. It's about 30 minutes from Asheville. Very exciting.
Im very proud of myself with my progress in the gym. Ive been going pretty much every day and im doing different stuff. I did pilates on wednesday and im gonna do kickboxing on monday. I feel very healthy and it was so hard to go without sara.
Sara is coming home today!!! Hopefully wel'l get real fucked up tonight to celebrate.
4th of july was pretty fun. Me,sara,zack,chris,craig,danielle,and dustin rode out to the farms and went to anthony's friend's party. Andy and mike anderson and some other people i know were there. we shot off lots of fireworks and then i got all sick from the fumes.
Me and Craig celebrated our 6 month anniversary on sunday. I cant believe its already been 6 months..its crazy. We got thai food take out and ate it on the beach. we went back to my house and chilled and it was a really nice night.
I miss sara im so happy shes coming home. i wonder what were doing tonight...

Current Music: authority 0

June 4th, 2004

08:26 pm: mi amor
I cant believe uim sitting at home, not seeing Authority Zero cuz i gotta take the SATs tomorrow. Im so nervious and i will probably do horrible on it because i have so much on my mind.
I am a confused girl. My mind is pretty much spinning with thoughts. I want to call Craig so bad. But i cant.

Last night me and sara went to chris' house and hung ouyt for a little it and then chris bought weed from jacks sister so we met up with them. WEveryone guat packed in chris' car and sara left and me,chris,jack,mike and dustin went to mike's dock and smoked a blunt. I left and went home and thankfully fell asleep. i hate sitting up at night thinking about shit. Me and sara went to the gym this morning which was nice becasue working out always destresses me. We went back to my house and showered and went to the movies and she called chris to come. chris and mike showed up all baked and they wouldnt stop laughing in the theater when i was trying to watch harry potter and yeah. So after the movie we went back to chris' house and smoked a blunt and sara left and i got bored so i left and went home and slept. It sucks being by urself. my parents are out and i have no 1 to talk to so i just end up thinking about a lot of shit. Tomorrow night were having a little party at chris' house. it should be a good time. I REALLY miss craig but i have to ignore it until i know completely what i want to do.
im so horny..man. this sucks.

i mean im having a good time but i feel empty without craig. But i think i need to feel a little empty right now. I dont want to fuck with his head but thats what ended up happening. I feel like a bad person. I used to do this shit all the time to ryan and i really dont want our relationship to turn into that because me and craig really have something special. I feel like we are absolutely perfect for one another and that no one will ever compare to him. Things have only been fucked up lately because of my bull shit. I have it implanted into my head that hes probably gonna cheat on me. And i actually wouldnt have that much of a problem with it because i did the same thing to him and i almost think that its siomething that can help you figure out wehat you really want. I hooked up with craig when me and ryan were on a break and it confirmed all of the doubts i was feeling weith ryan and it cvonfirmed all th feelings i was having for craig. Then on monday when me and mike kissed, i just felt guilty and sad. im so confused and i feel alone right now. Calling craig and hanging out with him tonight would be taking the easy way out of this and i dont want to do that. I want to experience everything i need to in this time so that i can make the decision and never look back.

maybe TV will get my mind off all this

April 18th, 2004

01:39 pm: Im at work right now waiting for craig to come see me.
Last night was a lot of fun. Sara picked me up and we went to Jack's house and they had a keg and some people were there. Craig came with jimmy which was cool. The only bad part of the night was when sara got really sick. poor baby. when i got back to my house i had a splitting headache. it sucked. Craig snuck in my window and tickled my make and made me feel 10x better. I woke up with a cold and a hangover and i feel like shit but its all good. School sucks i wish we had tomorrow off. I gotta finish up Tourist Season. love to all

01:38 pm:
Your True Nature by llScorpiusll
The quality that most appeals to you:Courage
In a survival situation, you:Play dead
Your hidden talent is:Pragmatism
Your gift is:A loving heart
In groups, you:Play an organisational role
Your best quality is:Your generosity
Your weakness is:Your passivity
Created with quill18's MemeGen 3.0!

Current Mood: hungover

April 6th, 2004

07:55 pm: I love all of you
Everything is wonderful and happy. I got back from New York last night. We had such a good time. Friday my mom was gonna make me fo to school for half the day but i was like no way so i stayed home and Craig skipped and hung out with me all morning. And then i was so sad because we had to say good bye. So we went to the airport and flew into the city and met my brother there yay! the fro is just out of control. So we talked for a while while we were waiting for his lost luggage to come and he told me that hes smoking grits again and i wasnt suprised. but it just made me think about Craig and how i dont think he's gonna stop like he says every week. and i know how hard it is to quit. So we stayed at a hotel and stuff and then woke up and got dressed for the bat mitzvah. We went to the borning service and then we went to the party woo. I got shitfaced with my brother and parents and it was just too much fun. We went back to karens house to chill with people and we stayed there. I got to talk to craig for alittle while which was nice but it made me even sadder cuz it madde me miss him even more. So Sunday we got up and drove into the city. I love the way the ciry smells. polution and smoke. i dunno. so we met up with my dads best friend who lives there and karen took the train in. We walked asround and shopped and me and my brother were chillen with some rastas. We went to little italy for dinner and had some crazy good italian food. my cousin Katie who goes to NYU met us for dinner at thawt was cool. Then my other cousin Liza came too and it was sdo cool seeing everyone! so my mom went back to the hotel and me,liza, katie,my bro and my dad went to this club and listened to some good music and had some drinks. then we walked to the hotel at 3 AM in 10 degree weather and it was so painful. we got pizza at Rays and then went to the hotel and passed out. Monday monring we got up and met Liza on canal street and went fake designer purse shopping. Then we had to leave for our plane. it was sad to say bye to NY but it ws too cold there. and i missed craig so much.
School sucked I have so much makeup work.

I got a job! at my gym! yay. free membership.

so my birthday weekend, im going up to tallihgassee to stay with my brother and i think sara and craig are commin too. That will be lots and lot of fun.

i love being in love.

Current Mood: cheerfulcheerful

March 27th, 2004

08:35 am: sleeping all day staying up all night
Spring break has been pretty cool. Not as good as it should be. its been really shitty out and thats making it hard to go to the beach.Ive hung out with Craig every night over Spring Break. Its crazy though because we never get sick of eachother. I went to Orlando on Thursday to look at UCF. I really liked it and its gonna be my first choice. It's so much better than being 6 hours away like in Talahassee. Ive been having a really good time because weve been hanging out with Jimmy and Will and people. Tuesday night me and sara met up with Nick and Dave and they got baked in me NEW CAR with its NEW SYSTEM hehe. We dropped them back off and went to my house where Craig picked me and sara up. then we went to Jimmy's house and somehow so many people were there. Craig smoked for the first time in forever and it was funny as shit. It was a fun night until i started feeling really sick and me and craig went in the other room to have quiet and then everyione ended up coming in there and it sucked cuz my head hurt so bad. So we left and dropped sara off and then Craig slept over and he of course made me feel better. So i got home from orlando yesterday and went over to see Craig. I missed him so much which is just insane cuz i was only gone for like 1 and a half days. Then i went home and showered and he picked me up and we went to Jimmy's to wait for him. We went to pick up will and then we chilled in the bacck and talked and stuff. Then Jimmy and Nick came home and then nick left. Craig says the nicest shit about me and i nev er know what to say. Ill be sitting there and hell say to will "look how beautiful my girlfriend is". Ive just never been treated this way before and im just so lucky to have such an amazing person in my life. When he kisses me I get a huge rush all over my body and it feels like we are the only to people alive.

I'm probably disgusting everyone who is reading this and im sorry but im just so happy. So a week from today I'm leaving to go to New York wooo. I am gonna miss 2 days of school and my brother is going too and am really excited about it.

Me and my dad are gonna have lunch at the Food Shack today and then im gonna go to the beach but it looks all cloudy out and im gonna be soo pissed. I have to go to the gym today damnit. Then me and Craig are going over Jimmys again. I could go over there every night those kids are so fun to chill with.

Last night of Spring Break! :(

Current Mood: calmcalm
Current Music: Hoobastank
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